Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Game Six: You're in the Jungle, Baby. You're Going To Die.

In one of the grittiest Buttermilk softball contests yet, the Blue Jeans on Fire beat the Bodegas Unidas de Brooklyn, 13-12, in 96-degree heat. The Jeans narrowly dodged a bullet, as Greg hit a game-ending sacrifice fly in the bottom of the ninth.

It was a game few players will soon forget. The league is presently developing an NFL Films-style documentary on Sunday's game. The voiceover narration begins this way:

...Brooklyn. The borough of Kings. Birthplace of rough-and-tumble sporting contests. Hardnose street fights. Race riots. In the center of Brooklyn's Prospect Park on an August day under the sign of Leo, two teams clashed in conditions that rivaled the foulest games in Hades ... Storms threatened for the first few minutes of the game, but no rain was seen--only deadly lightning. The playing conditions were somehow simultaneously scorching, dusty and humid...gunplay was on everyone's mind...

Or something like that.

In typical fashion, the Jeans burst out of the gate--notching eight runs in the first inning.

Tightening their belts, the Bodegas made several key defensive adjustments and began a slow and steady run that put them on course to tie the game. Dave Roth "homered" for the Jeans, while Jeff (this reporter thinks) homered for the Bodegas.

With the bases loaded, Greg hit a fly ball to center field. Sam tagged up and jetted home to score the winning run.

Greg netted MVP honors for the sac fly, as well as his bizarre standing hook-slide at third base. Also, Greg and brother Jeff were the first players to arrive at the diamond on what was easily one of the top three shittiest weather days the league has ever seen.

By all reports, the heat left most players completely exhausted. It was all that Jeans right fielder and pitcher Joel could do to choke down a beer later on at the Buttermilk.

"I was pretty sure I was going to start puking straight-up water there for a minute," Joel said. "That's when my pitching seemed to go to hell. All I could do was roll the ball across the plate. It was super ugly."

Most players were administered Spanish-language Pringles, in cheese and sour cream & onion flavors, at the Buttermilk to replenish lost body fat.

Linda was credited with the victory for buying the Prigles, while Young Steven was given the loss because of his lack of belt and abundance of fielding errors.

An unnamed Buttermilk source suggested that several players were ready to take up the no-belt issue with the commissioner.

"I'm fucking bringing an extra belt for him next time," said the source. "I'm fucking doing it."

The meatheads who play adjacent to the Buttermilk failed to show up, yet some of last week's strangers showed up, including Ryan.

In an impressive display of the infant fan base, Jasper the Baby attended the game with mom Heather.

1 comment:

DJR said...

It's worth mentioning that not only does Ryan know Colleen, but he is also an associate of Buttermilk adjunct participant and official modern dance co-consultant Kate Garroway. And, I guess, of mine. He stage-managed their smash hit show at Brooklyn Arts Exchange -- check the listings section in the New Yorker if y'all slept -- several months back. And if I may say so myself, he did a hell of a job.

He's also a filmmaker and will hopefully write a baseball card for me sometime in the future. I don't know that about most strangers. For example, if Young Steve is a filmmaker, I don't know it.